A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
You Might Also Like
Heroic Misunderstanding
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
The legends speak of a third Duran…