Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode