I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe