“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My wedding will be open casket.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
You’ll be OK
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery