my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic