sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you