To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Breaking news:
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.