Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
You Might Also Like
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
not for long
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.