It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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