on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak