Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
how do y’all walk in shallow water
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.