Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes