I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …