*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Shower sex be like:
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.