The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”