[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.