“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?