Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
You Might Also Like
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
North and South
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?