Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Not all heroes wear capes.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?