THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
You Might Also Like
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.