I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
And now we wait
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.