The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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Weirdos gonna weird.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together