[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Knock Knock
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?