It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away