Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I need better friends
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK