[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.