Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Boating season is upon us.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.