Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
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REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I think we should hear other voices.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Nothing.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming