My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Chicken bread
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.