Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Note to self: I am a note
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.