Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
(True)
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle