Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car