You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal