I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.