[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
You Might Also Like
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!