What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
They’re the worst 😩
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too