She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
drew a comic about my origin story
I have a black belt in leather
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*