skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.