Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Thursday Thought.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.