God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits