I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on