[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.