Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!