Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.