Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.