When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.