[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The Backseat Boys
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]