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WHO DID THIS?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
🤣could you imagine
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…