Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse