no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Shower sex be like:
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’